The Sacred Palace of Cocoon

Ah! The Palace.
    14 Walnut Street, filled to the brim with Queens and Goddessess, Princess Puppy Snuggles, tears, laughter, LOVE, joys, boys, always pots of food, herbs, medicinal ghee, tea or soup on the stove. The 'Palace Garden' overflowing with tomatoes, kale, and climbing beans that nearly ate the clothes line. House concerts and poetry readings, watching Monarch (Royalty!) Butterflies emerge with from their cocoons, knowing that my/our emergence was eminent….and to have patience. Trust.

   This was the house of knowing. Knowing I could come home, heart weary and confused, sit at the kitchen table with the 'You Are Wonderful' sign overhead, and be heard, Say anything and everything……that I would never have said to anyone before….say, "Is this normal?? or wft!, Oh Wow!, Am I crazy? Can I want so much? Do I have permission? Can I be Awesome? Am I allowed? To Shine? To Grow? To Take-Up-Space in the world? I could come home, wild with victory, and never be squashed. This was the house of 'How high can you raise your ceiling'?, of 'Don't you know you're Boundless?'  Boundless…..boundless….Ahhhhhhhh……..yes.

   Oh, my Queens, my Sistas….this is for you ~ dedicated to you. Queen Rock n' Roll, Queen Sugar Snap, Queen Moth Lantern, Queen Red Rose, Queen Petunia Tunes, Princess Puppy Snuggles (aka Lody McLodersons, palace dog)…and then there's me Queen Manifestra, and my King Koala.

   Moving to Northampton, MA I knew nothing, no one, had no place to live, just a job and a knowing in my heart that I had to be here. I had to make this stop along the way. And that it would be important. Vital. I knew this. I knew I couldn't just answer a craigs list add for a roommate. I had to wait. I had to live with women, I needed to. I didn't know how to be with women my own age and I couldn't go on like that. I needed to immerse, to love and learn about women, in all their beauty, strength, vulnerability, wisdom, intuition, nurturance, fire, wildness, playfulness and mystery ~ so that I could access that within myself and become the woman I wanted to be. So I waited. I worked my job and lived in the woods, pitching my tent here and there, showering here and there, listening to the heartbeat of the earth, dreaming earth dreams, watching the breaking up of the spring ice and the snow melt. Waiting…..until I met a lovely soul who invited me to meet up with some ladies who were planning on living together. We all met (I, feeling timid and awkward but doing my best to not seem it), talked, asked questions, talking of the importance of consciously deciding to live with others…ah, yes! And, thus…the Palace was born. And we were all given Queen names. Mine came about early on ~ I had a streak of "Just saying it" and "It" would appear…in detail. ~Manifestra~

   For the next two years I felt this cocoon wrap around me, snug, cozy, at times uncomfortable. I ended up in a relationship that pushed all of my buttons, yet paved the way for so much growth that, without, I'm sure I wouldn't be where I am now. I learned to speak my truth, to know and use boundaries, and I learned that love rules all and is the umbrella under which everything else sits. I learned that "Where there is question, there is no love ~ Where there is Love, there is no question" I learned to listen more closely and trust the voice of my soul which has guided me to my beloved. Had I listened to the voice of reason in my head, I may not be engaged to marry the absolute love of my life, the soul in my soul, the beloved I've known for thousands of years ~ the voice and vision of my soul knew exactly what was up!

   My Queens were the ones who were witness to the beginning, the first moment when I came home from Block Island, like…..'Um, something is happening. I don't know what, what it means, I don't know anything.." Queen Moth Lantern was the one who heard my poem, a summoning of the beloved, long before anything between John and I was a glimmer. Looking back, that poem is an exact description of him….right to the bones. They were the witness of the unfolding of true love, through the doubt, the worry and fear, the swooning, melting, letting go, accepting, setting standards, loving, loving, and loving.

   My Queens ~ who all live so wildly, truthfully, with purpose, intention, higher consciousness, and passion. Who have all scattered in the direction their river flowed, wondrous journeys to Mexico, Central America, California, India….diving into their arts, passions for healing and healing others while experiencing abundance. Who have shown me, in a way that really rooted…that what you put out, you will get in return. My Manifestra streak was just a taste. But more deeply, you deepest dreams and truest desires, if they are for the greater good….you put out that intention, you do your good work, you stick to your daily practice so the universe knows you mean it ~  it will come…in mysterious forms sometimes, yes. As I keep moving forward at seemingly an accelerated pace, through and through doorways,  more are opening before me, and all are full of wonder and possibility…… I truly don't know where or who I would be if it weren't for the Palace Cocooon and it's Royal Inhabitants ~

   So, my loves….for you ~ A little Queenie love fest

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
~Mani

~ The Climbing Beans eating the Clothes Line!!!

   

Slow and Steady ~ For the Love of Thru Hiking and Sat Nam!!!!

                                                                           ~

    Ah, so This time of year is upon us again. Yes, it's nearing the end of a seemingly especially long, cold winter. Yes, spring is about to be sprung….I've been hearing the morning birds rocking' out more and more, despite the very freezing early morning temps. Yes, friends will be returning soon from their winter travels to places far, mystical, and exotic……..

    But what I am specifically thinking about, witnessing through friends just beginning to head out on a different sort of journey, and feeling in my bones, the soles of my feet, my very cells that have been given a voice, a loud voice, like a 'Hollah!' kind of voice, like a 'Get yer ass outside, on the earth and under the stars!' kind of voice……..is the beginning of thru hiking season.

   This whole blog started as a documentation of my Appalachian Trail thru hike in 2009 ~ it obviously has morphed and evolved into it's own thing. Returning to it's roots today, I am craving. That moment, getting dropped off on the side of the road in the mountains of north Georgia…..and walking away. Away from the road, away from my friend who drove me there, who was already driving off. Away and up. Immediately up a mountain. Some snow still on the ground, but a beautiful spring earthy smelling day. My liberation. With everything I needed on my back, all I had to do was walk. That feeling. Whoa. That feeling. I have everything I need. All I need to do is walk. And breathe. And eat. And sleep. And be with nature. It's all I had ever wanted….seemingly simple desires. Really all I ever wanted was peace and a simple life, and it felt true in every way to go forth into the forests and mountains to find it. Follow the white blazes north, one step at a time, 2,178 miles.

    I didn't even plan on making any friends, honestly. I had heard that for others, this trek was a fun and lively social experience, partying in trail towns, trail romances, camping in huge groups. I was not interested. I wanted to Be Alone! I was trying to get away from people. Mind you, I had been living on an island where there really aren't that many people at all. This was to be a 'Spiritual Experience'. It's so funny, now looking back, what I had perceived to be a spiritual experience. To me, it meant something alone, with nature, the spirits, God, in ceremony or ritual. Spiritual, to me didn't exist at parties or in roaring laughter around a campfire. I think I even held judgment against those who 'had too much fun'……uh, probably not as evolved. Oh my god, that's crazy!

    The first people I met at the top of Springer Mountain, at the official start of the AT were drinking champagne and being kind of obnoxious. Translated---Very friendly and having fun = Not Spiritual! Oh, my poor mind. My destiny began to unfold to moment I stepped on the trail, and I resisted it like mad! Super nice, friendly, earthy, funny people kept trying to talk to me, share snacks, talk about themselves, find out about me….and I was like "control, control, don't talk to anybody, you're being spiritual."  That lasted about 4 days in when I fell in with a couple of guys and we just fit. Our personalities, our humor, the vast topics of conversation. One guy was 21 maybe. His trail name was Huck Finn. He had been a camp counselor for Peace Camp, taught young kids non violent communication and conflict resolution. He was so funny, oh my god we laughed so much ~ At everything, at ourselves, at each other. That was a new thing, being able to howl with laughter at your friend, without apology, knowing it's cool. The other guy, in his late 30's was a Thai Buddhist monk at a monastery in the North Carolina mountains. The master kept sort of kicking him out so he could find his purpose, apparently his purpose wasn't to make meals for his master for the rest of his days even though he would have liked that I think. Such easy company. With my expectation of not meeting anyone (if anything, I wanted to repel) I had not a single reason to impress, tell story, or be anything other than completely and singularly, myself. So, somehow even with the mantra I had been repeating for years "I just want to be alone. I just want to be alone. I just want to be alone.", I was finding myself in moments of great joy, peace in the midst of laughing so hard it hurts, connected to all things, meeting and liking a lot of people and being thoroughly surprised.

    Wow, so the greatest teaching was not learning to identify all the trees and birds of prey, tracking and building fires in the wet and the cold. It was not even that I can accomplish what I set my mind to, that I was able to finish something that only 1/4 of those who start actually finish. The greatest teaching was truly being able to see the truth, the holy beauty of the divine, god ~ in others. In everyone. Even those I didn't like. Even those, non-spiritual-fun-loving types. And I loved them. I loved them so much, I couldn't believe I could love people as a whole, so much. Through that, I started to love myself a little better and started to find out, and accept that other folks on the trail liked me kind of a lot (!) and thought I was pretty groovy…..What?? Liberating.

     Our paths are all so different. The wisdom that we need to learn to bring us to the next level is so unique to each of us, like the specific key that unlocks that big door for you. Walk through, and there is no turning back. I Knew I had to do this hike. As much as I have played it down at times, it truly was a Pilgrimage. A holy pilgrimage. My path was, literally, a path. Just a little unassuming brown dirt footpath winding through the woods, up and down mountains, over open highlands, across rivers and streams……I just had to stay on the path. Follow the White Blazes. Eventually the white blazes end, and you come down off the mountain. I came down, not in ecstatic exhilaration, but so mellow, happy, proud of myself and my hiker friends who I finished the trail that day with and, well…….at peace.

    So, now the paths continues to unfold. It's a little different, a lot different and keeps changing and evolving. With the energy of this thru hiking season upon us, I am filled, once again with that wild desire to be in it. Drop me off on the side of the road and I'll see ya later! Since I've been in Yoga Teacher Training all through this year, the journey has been more inward. Still very physical, but all designed so that you can experience your own true nature, your own infinity, your own Sat Nam. The worlds are beautifully colliding as now I have a practice that I can take with me everywhere, everyday. I don't need books (maybe one book), cds, laptop, phone ~ just my backpack, tent, sleeping mat, sleeping bag, cookstove & pot, some food, water……just go. Walk. Slow and steady. Naturally waking with the morning birds, greeting the day with prayer, practice, and meditation, surrounded by creation. Part of it, part of it all.

Sat Nam! Happy Hiking! Big Blessings for all Ya'll heading out soon or already making your way North! Much Love!

Melinda    ~ManyNames~

Peace Ya'll!!!

An old song…..
~Slow and Steady~

Feels like…this worlds moves
Too fast for me
I'm slow and steady

Flowin' along…..in my own
Sense of time

I could walk my…..whole life
Slow and steady

Feeling the earth's………heartbeat
In my bones

I could sink, down………..down
To the bottom of the sea
In the dim, dark, heavy world
I'm breathing deep
I fall asleep
I know what to keep
And when to let go

Oh, this big ol' world………keeps on spinning
Slow and steady
Slow and steady

Yeah this big ol' world……….keeps on spinning
Slow and steady
Slow and steady
Slow and steady


   

ONG and the Magic Thing

Ooooooh, the road is ong (meant to be 'long' but I will keep that mis-type) the river is wide, who will I be on the other side~ I try to be true, but what can I do ~ when I keep getting pulled by the tide.

I try to be true, but what can I do ~ when I keep getting pulled by the tide...... nice little lyrics, a little counryish/love/folkie song I wrote last year. Questions!! I try! What can I do? I keep getting pulled, this and way and that, this passion, that failure, this desire, that fear! Oh, all the directions, a rip current spinning me/us until we are exhausted......

How about......I AM true, I KNOW what to do, I USE the force of the tides, of cycles, of strength, creativity. Instead of asking, asking, asking so many questions......maybe just listen. Hum, listen to the sound resounding inside your head. Where else do your feel it? Stop humming, feel the buzz of the silence. That buzzy silence is a pretty spectacular sort of place...full of all the answers to the questions your never thought of asking. The truth, the juicy stuff beyond the ceiling you've put over your head. Mmmmmmm, can you imagine?

Okay, so "the road is ONG" ......what we accidentally write can tell us immeasurable things.

ONG ~ Creator  "The universe is in a constant state of ONG. You are constantly being created,  moment to moment, as is the universe"

So, I guess the road IS ong........

Ooooooh, Power of Love ~

   Contemplating on the nature of the love yesterday, the pure force of it and how it drives each and every one of us in some way or another, I was brought back to a conversation I had several months ago with a friend. We were discussing relationships and what it means to truly and deeply be in a relationship with a partner. Devotion, commitment, love....what is it really?

   The more text book-y he got the more organic and cosmic I got ~ the gap widened. We agreed on some and disagreed on many things.

   Then I said, "Well, what about love?"
   He said, "Only fools talk about love. Only fools actually believe in love."

 Oooooooh, a deep truth ~for me, became clear

   "Bullshit!" I said. And in was in that moment that I knew without a doubt that the deepest truth of my existence on this earth is to love. To love Wildly and Out of Bounds. To love through fear....and through it, and through it again. To love in spite of and because of all the bullshit in the world. To love because there is so much in our world worthy of it. I am a lover and the well is deep, my friends.

   Only fools talk about love? Only fools Don't talk about love!

  I am a Lover
  And this wind
  Has blown
  Me so far
  Soooo far
  From my home
  That I was able
  To see
  To see my own
  Beating heart
  Like the earth
  From the moon
  And I could see
  It's storms
  It's calm waters
  It's bottomless deep well
  Of wonder
  Of love
  Of great joy

  

Moonrise Kingdom and First Love ~ And the Night of Full Moon Cows

    Who doesn't want to talk about first love? I just saw the movie "Moonrise Kingdom" and a flood of memory flowed like such sweetness with only a hint of bitter....but not really, maybe just like a dandelion flower. It's bitter but beautiful. In this movie, these two young 12 year old loves run away together on a wilderness adventure, to marry in a strange ceremony~
   I would run away and marry my love. Oh, wait, that's what ____ and I did. We sped west as fast as we could. No rest till we crossed the Mississippi and even then no rest until a frosty campout in the Colorado mountains. Ill prepared for such a chilly night. Oooooh, but we were free! We were true lovers! We were runaways, perhaps to be joined in marriage by a Native Shaman we might come across in the desert. That was our plan. To marry and never return, to continue, put our car on a cargo ship to Hawaii and live there, married, maybe continue up to Alaska. We were lovers, soul travelers, joined at the wrist. Holding hands, walking through the deserts of Utah, singing Pink Floyd, the Beatles, and Tori Amos. Running from Serial Killers. Finding a cache in a cave. Is this their hideout? "Leave it", I said. He wanted to dump out the water. I didn't want to get involved.

   "With my love by my side"

  Oh, the romance of old things and new things. I didn't even have an email account yet, in this time that I write about. We had a disc man with a cassette tape converter. ____ said I was a Pink Floyd connoisseur. He was in awe of my Pink Floyd-ness. I've never loved a band before or since the way that I loved Pink Floyd.

   Oh, first love. First love of a band. First love of a man. First time saying, "Oh my God, I think I really love you"...and....and...and....You totally love me! You love me so much you can't sleep! I can't sleep! Ah! And you bring breakfast treats to me at my job. And my coworker says, "How do you know?" And I say, in all my worldly and universal experience of being in love for a month or two, "You just know, I don't know."

    ~Fearless~

                The Night of the Full Moon Cows

    Oh, we survived. We were told by the officials to leave New Mexico on account of the Serial Killers. So we moseyed through the state line road blocks to our favorite campsite many, many hours and miles away in Utah on a clayishly-muddy river bank lined with cotton wood trees.
   Playing cards, drinking beers and listening to Sci-Fi late night radio, trying not to be freaked out by the 'serial killer' thing......
  .....But I kept hearing strange noises in the night outside of the Jeep. Were inside the vehicle, too scared of the serial killers we supposedly left in the dust, two hundred miles and a state line away, to set up camp.
   I felt a presence. ___ said I was paranoid. My skin was crawling. "Something is out there! I can't stand not knowing. If it's the killer, he'll kill us anyway! I can't stand it!"
   I summoned up all my courage and rolled down the passenger side back seat window.......only to come face to face, eye to eye, nose to nose, warm breath on my face, with a huge and totally benign cow. Two in the morning cow, staring at me, shifting his body slowly back and forth. "Oh, God", I sighed in half cry/sob/relief breath, "It's just a cow. It's a cow"
  And then I heard, and then I looked, and in the light of the big glorious full moon that graced us with it's mysterious and holy glow, I saw an endless sea of cows, some quietly moo-ing. All I could see were cows. All around my Jeep, around all the trees. All looking at me. We got out onto the roof on my car with more beers and just hung out with the moon and one million cows. I could hear them crossing the river. I could hear the coyotes. We were a drunk love island in a sea of cows.
   

 

As They Come~ These Moments

Someone said recently I should write more in my blog. I write about whatever comes up. Today, I have anxiety. After a sunny spot mid afternoon meditation, this is what came to mind~

 .....I erased the poem

.....and feel the warm sun on my back, and an opening in my heart and nothing else exists outside of that. Only stories.



Hmmmm, what else~

I can write about the dreams that weave themselves throughout my sleep time and into my waking hours.

"They weave their web around
My bed
And make their way
Up the strand"

..I often dream of very deadly venimous spiders, very close to my face. I wake up terrified, afraid to move, to even breathe. I slither out of bed, out from under the dangling, creeping arachnids and make my way to the door. Only when my hand touches the doorknob do I begin to realize it was 'that dream again'. Big sigh, deep breaths, go drink some water, go to the bathroom...okay, back to bed.

.....or maybe I can't go back to sleep.

"So I sit
And I write
And I am right between
This world and that
And I am right between
The hot pounding in my ear
And the heaving creature outside
My window
I hear it's roaring breath
As if to say
'How did I end up
In this strange courtyard?'
It doesn't make sense
Well, nothing makes sense
We are just accepting these strange moments
As they come~
As they come
Bubbling out from the pot
As they come
Speeding through the red light
As they come
Sitting in a quiet forest
As they come
The gentle deer and I
Eyes locked in the early morning
Both curious

~Namaste

And she still didn't really know what IT was, but she knew she was getting closer~

"ManyNames caught her bare foot on a root and fell to the ground. It's always startling and slightly upsetting to fall unexpectedly, she wasn't really hurt, but had skinned her knee on a rock and felt the tightness grow in her chest and her eyes begin to fill. A tear or two slipped down her cheek. 'Crying over a silly little stumble?, she said to herself.' But it actually felt good, warm wet tears coming down. The two tears became four, and then many more. 'Why bother stopping it, she thought, it's only me here in the forest, and my forest friends'. And suddenly she found herself crying uncontrollably, hitching sobs, tears flowing and flowing and flowing down her softening cheeks. She cried up her sadness, all her disapointments, and losses. She rolled onto her belly, onto the soft green moss and cried into the earth. The sweet mother took her tears, gently, and soothed her into sleep. ManyNames slept, a deep and dreamless sleep, awakening to the early morning birdsong bluetime. Feeling a deep calm and warm peaceful feeling in her heart, she felt closer to the source of all things than she could ever remember."

This story is our story. Of memory and old wounds, of releasing to make a little or a lot of room for new seeds to grow instead of getting drowned out by unkempt and unruly thoughts and emotions. I found myself in complete meltdown in yoga class last night. I started to cry in one challenging pose. I figured once the pose was over, I would be fine and could get on with class. But my face kept crinkling up and breathing became difficult, I got back on my mat and went into child's pose. Now I was really really crying. Anytime I would try to move or even entertain the thought of getting up, a whole new wave would wash over me and I couldn't move. I started to panic, thinking,'I can't just cry here in this huge room full of people, I need to get out of here', but the thought of getting up and walking across the room seemed so big. I found a moment where the class was engaged in an inversion,'Oh good, they're all upside down, here's my chance.' I left, but didn't want to entirely leave, so I stood by the big hallway window, and really let it fly. God, it felt good, and sad and painful. I was thinking back to dance class and gymnastics where the teachers would yell at me for not being able to touch my toes. They were mad at my body's limitations, and would have the other girs from class sit on me, as if that would help me release into a deeper stretch. I would be in tears as the teacher would push me down saying,'You need to stretch! You're not trying!' She didn't know that I stretched and stretched everyday, watching my cartoons,or whatever shows I watched, dancing in my living room, I stretched and stretched, hoping that I would finally touch my toes. When I got older and into yoga, I would spend almost an hour outside almost everyday, stretching meditating on releasing whatever it was that was keeping me from being able to fold forward. 'What is it that I need to let go of?'
I suddenly realized last night in class, how many yoga classes I've been to and never gone to again becuase I felt like the teacher hated my body and it's limitations made her mad. I realized that Eileen's class is the first one where I feel like the teacher isn't mad at me for not being able, maybe suprised or something. But I'm pretty sure she doesn't hate my body. I feel safe, and I felt safe allowing this process to happen.
Found myself standing in Tadasana by the window, feeling these things, experiencing ego in a big way, understanding a little more, and understanding a little less..but feeling that Mountain Pose, and asking myself, "what does it really mean to be in your full mountai?" I realized that this was my yoga practice today. Standing by the window, crying in Tadasana, feeling strong and soft and sweet and really being there. A lovin' sister from class was returning from the bathroom ,saw me there and offered some support. It was perfect, and I soon felt that I could return to class. That intense energy was still there, but it was time to bring myself back to the room , to the community, just as I was. Getting cozy on my mat with an eye pillow, I lay there while the class continued all around me. I drifted in and out of dreamy meditative concioussness. Feeling really comfortable and loved, I sunk into a knowing that this was right. I thanked myself and the Divine Presence for this day, this moment, and this body that allows me to be here.
And I felt closer to the source of all things~
Namaste, Sat Nam, Peace and Blessings

~MN