"ManyNames caught her bare foot on a root and fell to the ground. It's always startling and slightly upsetting to fall unexpectedly, she wasn't really hurt, but had skinned her knee on a rock and felt the tightness grow in her chest and her eyes begin to fill. A tear or two slipped down her cheek. 'Crying over a silly little stumble?, she said to herself.' But it actually felt good, warm wet tears coming down. The two tears became four, and then many more. 'Why bother stopping it, she thought, it's only me here in the forest, and my forest friends'. And suddenly she found herself crying uncontrollably, hitching sobs, tears flowing and flowing and flowing down her softening cheeks. She cried up her sadness, all her disapointments, and losses. She rolled onto her belly, onto the soft green moss and cried into the earth. The sweet mother took her tears, gently, and soothed her into sleep. ManyNames slept, a deep and dreamless sleep, awakening to the early morning birdsong bluetime. Feeling a deep calm and warm peaceful feeling in her heart, she felt closer to the source of all things than she could ever remember."
This story is our story. Of memory and old wounds, of releasing to make a little or a lot of room for new seeds to grow instead of getting drowned out by unkempt and unruly thoughts and emotions. I found myself in complete meltdown in yoga class last night. I started to cry in one challenging pose. I figured once the pose was over, I would be fine and could get on with class. But my face kept crinkling up and breathing became difficult, I got back on my mat and went into child's pose. Now I was really really crying. Anytime I would try to move or even entertain the thought of getting up, a whole new wave would wash over me and I couldn't move. I started to panic, thinking,'I can't just cry here in this huge room full of people, I need to get out of here', but the thought of getting up and walking across the room seemed so big. I found a moment where the class was engaged in an inversion,'Oh good, they're all upside down, here's my chance.' I left, but didn't want to entirely leave, so I stood by the big hallway window, and really let it fly. God, it felt good, and sad and painful. I was thinking back to dance class and gymnastics where the teachers would yell at me for not being able to touch my toes. They were mad at my body's limitations, and would have the other girs from class sit on me, as if that would help me release into a deeper stretch. I would be in tears as the teacher would push me down saying,'You need to stretch! You're not trying!' She didn't know that I stretched and stretched everyday, watching my cartoons,or whatever shows I watched, dancing in my living room, I stretched and stretched, hoping that I would finally touch my toes. When I got older and into yoga, I would spend almost an hour outside almost everyday, stretching meditating on releasing whatever it was that was keeping me from being able to fold forward. 'What is it that I need to let go of?'
I suddenly realized last night in class, how many yoga classes I've been to and never gone to again becuase I felt like the teacher hated my body and it's limitations made her mad. I realized that Eileen's class is the first one where I feel like the teacher isn't mad at me for not being able, maybe suprised or something. But I'm pretty sure she doesn't hate my body. I feel safe, and I felt safe allowing this process to happen.
Found myself standing in Tadasana by the window, feeling these things, experiencing ego in a big way, understanding a little more, and understanding a little less..but feeling that Mountain Pose, and asking myself, "what does it really mean to be in your full mountai?" I realized that this was my yoga practice today. Standing by the window, crying in Tadasana, feeling strong and soft and sweet and really being there. A lovin' sister from class was returning from the bathroom ,saw me there and offered some support. It was perfect, and I soon felt that I could return to class. That intense energy was still there, but it was time to bring myself back to the room , to the community, just as I was. Getting cozy on my mat with an eye pillow, I lay there while the class continued all around me. I drifted in and out of dreamy meditative concioussness. Feeling really comfortable and loved, I sunk into a knowing that this was right. I thanked myself and the Divine Presence for this day, this moment, and this body that allows me to be here.
And I felt closer to the source of all things~
Namaste, Sat Nam, Peace and Blessings
~MN
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